Why did I do all of this?

I keep asking myself why I let things happen as they happened.

First, from March 2022 to May 2022, I believed that something magical was happening. I thought that the radio was a very romantic idea. What made me believe this? Facebook posts. After the cosmic gathering festival in August 2022, Carlo posted on facebook and instagram a picture of the festival with this: “Thank you. It was magical.”
He deleted the facebook post afterwards.

Then there were all these overfitting posts that seemed very ambiguous to me.
For me the meeting at the festival was magical. I thought, wow what a nice guy, very friendly and calm. I loved them all for the music they played. I admired them. I never ever would have thought that the people behind that nice music could be horrible. I instantly had the feeling that Carlo liked me, but decided for myself, not to get too much into that thought. I had made bad experiences in the past. I have a tendency to fall into daydreams and be hung up on one special guy for too long without doing a reality check. I wanted to be conquered and when the radio started I thought, well that is a special way of conquering and I liked it.

In the week of the ifm fest, that dream was completely shattered. After the festival I was on sick leave the whole June and I cried every day. I started to write that blog and tried to establish communication because I could not believe that the music I had been a fan of was fake and organized by bad people. I just could not believe it.

For so many years all these guys were heros to me.

Since 2013 I had been fan of I-F, Loud-E, David Vunk, Hysteric, Casionova, Discotto, WLDV, Mr. Fantasy, Franz Scala. The intergalactic radio was the one and only. I didn’t like any other music besides Italo Disco. I literally couldn’t stand it. At some point I realised that this was an obstacle in making new friends.
During the pandemic I kinda switched to Jussi Kantonen, Bernhard Tobola and Juuso Tervo. I listened to their soundcloud mixes over and over and just loved them. I tried to heal my Italo Disco obsession with Disco and actually just developed another obsession. Carlo Simula was not that much in my focus because he barely uploads any mixes. He had one from 2016, I listened to that one quite a lot in 2017 and 2018.

My listening habit was either ifm radio or streaming mixes on soundcloud. I never thought about the fact, that the people on the other side would care about that. Actually, I thought I would do them a favor if I listen to their mixes often, because I helped to raise the number of plays.

After crying constantly about losing all of them for four weeks in June, I slightly felt better. During July I had the feeling that things would eventually resolve and that there could be a happy solution for everyone. I hoped to meet Carlo at the cosmic festival. But he cancelled because of corona. I didn’t believe it back then. I thought he was avoiding a confrontation, because I had discgraced him in my blog in front of his friends and because he was ashamed of his belly. I went to the festival because I thought if I don’t go and he does show up despite cancelling I will forever feel like I missed a chance for truth. Also I hoped that one of his friends would talk to me. Everyone had been so nice the year before.
But no, the cosmic festival in 2022 was completely different. They were all very distant and nobody talked to me. Jussi even pretended he didn’t know me.

After the festival, things were worse than before. Again I cried a lot and I was so lost. I had started a therapy to treat anxiety, but I couldn’t tell the doctor everything because she didn’t believe me. I started to tell her the radio story and her instant reaction was, I think you have a psychosis. So more crying.

During the last two weeks of August the crying became unbearable. Every morning when I woke up, I had to cry. I cried because I realised I will never have an answer. And then I cried because I thought of my old dad and that he will probably die one day thinking that I am crazy.

I tried to find other music that would sooth me. I was at a point where I could not listen to Italo Disco anymore. I have mp3’s I collected in my twenties, but that music didn’t interest me anymore. I remember the day when I started to listening to this japanese stuff I found on spotify. After work I went to sit at the spree and listened to this. The tears were already there after I had left the office. I swallowed them until I was in the park. And then I sat there for two hours and cried very deeply. I cried on my way home and at home the crying got more intense. I was at a point where I realised I am all by myself, I lost joy for music, I cannot go to any Italo Disco ever again. After ten years of loving it. Someone killed a part of me. I saw myself sitting very alone in a very deep dark hole. No light on top. Just darkness.

That’s why I decided I should go to Barcelona in September. Also there still was a little princess in me hoping that he would be too shy somehow to contact and needed help with me showing up as a surprise.
The confrontation helped in the sense that I saw his real face. There was nothing left of the nice guy I had met one year before. He was ugly. His behaviour was ugly.

Then, during September and October I saw that Carlo was very powerful and that I literally had no chance. No one from that scene helped me. They were all playing the game. Some were maybe making fun, but for me this was not fun. I was being destroyed in public in a way that none of my friends believed me. Most of them thought I have a psychosis. During that time I had three friends who believed me. None of them was a fan of Italo Disco. Eventually they got tired of listening to my misery and their advice would be, well why don’t you just go to other places? I tried. I was stalked everywhere. Berlin turned out to be a 1984 nightmare.

In the beginning of November, after I was “officially” kicked out, I again cried every day for several hours. It became a bit better during December, after I had cut all ties off. But I was alone. Isolated. I didn’t go out. I stayed at home and watched Deep Space Nine. It felt like my last happy place that no one can take from me.

After the Christmas holidays I finally felt a bit better.

So all together I cried for about six months nearly every day for several hours. I didn’t know that one person can hold so many tears. I didn’t fight them, I cried them when they came. Everytime I hoped, that if I cry them all now, tomorrow it will be ok. Then I will not cry again. But that didn’t happen for a long time. The tears were there every day.

So, why did I do all of this? I wanted to have an answer to simple questions: Who is making that radio? Why is this radio personalised? Why do they watch me?

Hypothetic simple answer: The radio is made by a stalker. He invented something new: Stalking with music. The perfect alibi. Not provable and noone will believe it. One of the most common symptom for psychosis is people thinking they receive messages through the radio. That radio stations are pursueing them.
I was stalked by a narcissist with sadistic tendencies and access to hacker software. Once I wanted to know the truth, of course he had to deny. Because otherwise he would have to admit all the wrong things he did.