day version:
POOR YOU!
night version:
It’s official now. I have a psychosis. I went for a weekend trip to a foreign country, I convinced my closest friends and my work colleagues that I need to do that trip.
I was convinced, that there is somebody out there, who wants to see me at a certain place at a certain time. “just give me one night”
The journey was horrible. There was no direct flight. The first one had a delay, so I missed the second one. The replacement was many hours later and had a delay as well. I arrived at 00.30 at the airport, somehow I made my way to arrive at the party at 2.
While I was sitting in the middle of nowhere, waiting, I asked myself many times if this is the universe trying to tell me that the whole story is nonsense.
Anyway, I went to that party. He was playing, I think he recognized me, but I’m not sure. That was a very weird experience. I made it weirder; after the show I asked if I could talk to him and ended up in the backstage.
It was weird, weirder, the weirdest. Maybe I started the wrong way? Are there right words for what I’m going through? I felt like I deserve to know the truth, but apparently I don’t or I have a serious problem and just made up a lot 9f things in my mind.
I don’t remember the whole conversation, but it was something like this:
I said something like; excuse me, I asked you before and you said no, but I have to ask you again. I have reason to believe that you are the yellow machine. It might sound like a psychosis, but I think someone sent me messages through songs.
His answer: Oh, I know would you mean. I have been there. Did you take drugs when it happened? Maybe you should seek help.
Me: I am not sure. I have the feeling, that the red machine was involved and at some point the black machine and a specific blog as well. Also, there were several mixes and messages in samples at the festivals I went to.
Him: Oh, so you think the whole thing was orchestrated? What do you think I do all day!? I work 24/7, I have a label.
Me: I don’t know!
Then we looked into each other’s eyes for a while. That guy is hard to read. I have no idea if he told the truth or not. It ended with him saying: Well, I am here for work. This is a job and there are people who I wanna talk to like the people standing right next to me. (True, I acted like super annoying psychopath who didn’t wanna go away though being ignored)
So, apparently I made everything up in my head. There were no messages made for me. I myself destroyed the music I liked so much. I made it all up, that 3 different radio stations sent me messages. I went to 2 festivals and i thought I was sent messages there. Apparently it wasn’t like that and I have to seek help.
He was very clear in the end; that he doesn’t understand what I’m talking about and that I should look for therapy. That was a very embarrassing chapter of my life.
Why did I go on that trip? I needed closure. About three weeks ago I decided, I can’t go on like that any longer. The following two weeks every morning was the same. Directly after waking up I cried. There were different reasons.
First, I couldn’t stand it any longer how people were concerned about my mental health and asked in that strange way if I’m okay, with an undertone of “you know, I don’t wanna talk about your psychosis”
Second, I realised I couldn’t let go. I had
Second, I realised I couldn’t let go that easily. I have had a major crush. I liked the idea of the yellow machine very much. Its just that I didn’t like all the things that happened around this. These disappointed me too much.
Right now I ask myself, what if I made everything up and the disappointment just happened so I have an explanation for this state of psychosis I have been stuck in for 6 months now? Seems like a logical reaction. The dream world had to collapse because it didn’t stand the reality check.
But… The actual reality check just happened. I feel nothing right now. No tears, no confusio
✨ 
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